If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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