dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize