my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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