He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
