those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
