So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
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