I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
