How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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