I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
