Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Randomize
