I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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