Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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