you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
