My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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