My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
