YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
