I wish I could punch you in the face.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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