im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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