I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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