the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
He had one of those small greek statue penises
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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