I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
