For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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