Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
