Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
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