Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Randomize
