Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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