when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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