She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
I did not marry a roomba.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
