alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
