MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
