There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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