haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Randomize
