I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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