why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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