Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
