What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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