He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
