I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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