He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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