Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
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