she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
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