Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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