i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
