i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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