Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
