anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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