and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Randomize
