y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
This baby is an asshole
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
So here I am, sexting at work.
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