The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
