I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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