I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
