it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize