I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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