i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Randomize
