His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
