i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
