Who wears a wallet chain?!
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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