Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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