Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize