We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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